I failed my daughter last Thursday

My youngest, who is five just started ballet at the YMCA. She has asking to do dance class for some time and we finally signed her up. Two weeks ago, she attended her first class and was so nervous. She had no idea what to expect, and as the youngest in the 5-8 range beginner class she was feeling very insecure. The teacher arrived a little late so she just ushered the ballerinas in quickly. I stopped to introduce my daughter to her then off she ran, sitting in a circle with the other girls.

I peeked in through the window for a bit watching her, she was lost, but trying so hard to follow along and mimic the warm the other girls were doing. I felt so nervous for her knowing she felt out of place but also so proud of her for observing and catching on rather fast. Feeling confident that she was okay, I headed to the workout room to get in a quick twenty five minutes of cardio before her class was over.

After class she was excited to see me and share with me some things she learned in class.She told me that her teacher wanted her to work on a Passé. She was eager to demonstrate and stopped me in the cold moonlit parking lot on the way to the van to demonstrate the move in her snow boots.

Passé is a classical ballet term meaning “passed.”  It refers to the movement when a dancer goes through a retiré position, which is when one leg is bent so it looks like a triangle with the foot placed near the other leg’s knee.

She practiced a few things at home and was diligent about counting down the days until the next class proud to share with her improvements with her teacher and classmates.

The Downhill slide

Twenty five minutes before we needed to walk out the door to make it on time to class, I could not recall where I put her dance clothing and shoes. I remembered putting them in a reusable bag making a mental note to purchase her a dance bag, but I cannot even recall what the bag looked like. I remember showing it to my daughter and saying “I’m putting your stuff in this bag until we get you a different one. I am showing you in case I forget.” I know I have a lot on my mind so I kinda knew I may forget, I was hoping if I did my 5 year old would remember!

“Okay.” she said

Neither of us remembered  where it was as I frantically tore apart the house looking for it. I enlisted the rest of the children to help while my 5 year old sobbed on the couch saying she is so sorry. I reassured her that it’s okay because I forgot too. Ultimately, I am the parent, this fall is on me. I decided she will have to just go to class in regular clothes and do the class in ballet flats instead of ballet shoes when she looks up at me to say with teary eyes, “I don’t wanna go to class in this, they will all laugh at me!”

My heart breaks for her, she was so excited to go and I lost her stuff.

“Okay, we can stay home this time I am sorry you missed your class let’s keep looking for it so we will have it for next week.”

I look around my house, it’s a mess, not just because we tore it apart looking for her stuff but because it was a disorganized mess to begin with. I have been so busy with edits on my book, and homeschooling that my house has taken a huge hit.

I feel horrible, I feel like the worst mom because I can’t manage to do it all and I am swimming in a disaster of a house. So, we organized and picked up the kitchen and the rec room they still need a good deep clean but at least everything is mostly put back to where it belongs. Still no sign of her ballet stuff though.

Not only did I disappoint her I also disappointed my son who wanted to go to the store and spend some of his birthday money. After the two hours of cleaning, the guilt of her missing her class, and the stress of not finding the brand new ballet stuff, I was DONE! When I shared with him that we would not make it and that it would have to get pushed until tomorrow morning he started crying.

You can imagine how this made me feel but that is not the icing on the cake. In my rush to find the ballet stuff then clean the house for two hours I had forgotten that I needed to feed my children dinner until I told them that it was time to get ready for bed.

“Wait? What? We never ate dinner,” my 10 year old protested.

Crap!

“Yup, you’re right! So sorry, go fix yourselves some cereal.”

While I feel like I am completely losing at this mom gig my kids are cheering and excited to be eating cereal for dinner at their bedtime tonight. So I guess that’s a win, right?

If you watch my IG stories and you happened to catch last Thursdays clips, I mentioned that I was hiding in the bathroom sitting on a step stool for a few moments not only for my own sanity but for the safety and wellbeing of my children, this all occurred on that same Thursday.

As for the ballet clothing and shoes, they are still missing, and I have now cleaned and organized my room and the girls’ room. At least everything is getting put back together in search of them. If they aren’t found by next Wednesday, I will just go buy a whole new set.

Am I a bad mom? No! I believe I am a good mom. Do I have bad days? Yes!

We all have our bad days and bad days do not define who we are. I hope that by reading this today you will know that when you feel alone and like you are the only imperfect mom out there, we are all imperfect. You are not alone!

You are not alone!