Seriously, this should have been added to my soon to be released book “Not, a Picture Perfect Parent” but, alas it didn’t make the cut!
Turns out, I had WAY more content, for not one, but TWO books on parenting failure. When I started writing my book two years ago I feared I was not flawed enough to write a book but as soon as the ideas started flowing it was like the Hoover dam broke and I was flooded with more content than I ever expected. Imagine that?
Is there a book two in the works you may ask? Maybe…. there were definitely enough cuts to write a book two. But currently I am working on another nonfiction book that I’m keeping secret for now.
The chapter may have looked like this:
I’m the Worst Tooth fairy – the end!
Parenting is exhausting,
Cooking.
Dishes.
Laundry.
Cleaning.
School work.
Driving kids everywhere.
By the end of the day I’m beat, some days I fall asleep alongside my children.
I have a thousand reasons why I suck as a Tooth Fairy but it comes down to three things.
- My kids won’t stay in bed.
- My mombrain is overloaded with all the things.
- I’m exhausted and I fell asleep.
My youngest just lost her first tooth last week.
There I was squatting and sweating to my favorite home workout program, 80 day Obsession when she ran over holding her bloody tooth. I panicked thinking something was wrong because I didn’t even know she had a loose tooth, then she panicked because I was in a panic.
She is the youngest of my five children to have ever lost a tooth this early.
After I calmed her down, she happily skipped off to find a good spot in her room to place her very first tooth anxiously awaiting the tooth fairies first visit.
Morning came and my daughter sadly shuffled into my room climbing in bed with me. “The tooth fairy didn’t come!”
It was still dark outside, “Maybe she hasn’t gotten to our house yet. Seems like it was a busy night for her, lay down and go to sleep I’m sure she will come.” Hoping this reassured her I excused myself from her little arms to use the bathroom
I brought my phone into the bathroom with me and quickly texted Joe who fell asleep on the couch again. He likes to stay up too late pushing the limits of what his body can handle before the primal need of sleep takes over, remote in hand and too tired to walk to bed. This always makes me so angry, I feel he doesn’t love me enough to come to bed and it is setting the children up for really bad habits as they see what he does most nights.
The text sent at 6:59am read:
There is five dollar bill on the couch you slept on, go put it on Bailey’s makeup dresser and snatch her tooth. You see, I had it in my hand last night while talking to him before I went to bed, I left it there forgetting all about my job as the Tooth Fairy.
I was able to convince her to go back to sleep snuggled up next to me while Joe corrected the Tooth Fairy issue.
Over the last nineteen years of parenting I have failed at the job of being a Tooth Fairy countless times. When my oldest was around ten he came to me one morning completely defeated because it had been over a week and the tooth fairy still hadn’t come. I wasn’t even sure he really believed anymore. Feeling bad about my repeated Tooth Fairy failure I blurted “I’m the Tooth Fairy and I’m sorry I keep forgetting to take your tooth and give you money!”
This was actually worse than the tooth fairy forgetting because he truly believed she existed, and I abruptly ended his magical belief, right there in the hallway!
FAIL!
My older children ages 19, 13, 12 and 10 no longer believe in the Tooth Fairy. Wait,… does my 10 year old? I’m actually not sure, I should ask.
My six year old does though so I need to strap on my imaginary wings and suck it up because I still have a good 5 years to be the Tooth Fairy!
So if you suck as the Tooth Fairy too, cheers mama, you are not alone! And if you are the most amazing Tooth fairy, kudos to you too mama!
I just purchased the tooth fairy pillow from Amazon, maybe it will magically make me a better Tooth Fairy!
Hopefully it will arrive before she loses her next tooth that is already loose. Amazon has halted Prime delivery of non essential items right now due to COVID-19. Fingers crossed.
