Before children I was a thrill seeker x100! There was NOTHING that I would not try or do! I cannot imagine what this behavior did to my parents, actually, now a mother of 5 I can totally imagine the heartache and worry that this caused my parents. They quickly learned that if they told me that I could not, or should not do something, I would see that as a challenge to do it, just to prove them wrong.

Without listing all things I did, and give my kids who read my blog ideas I will just say that the risks I took repeatedly in my teen years should have rendered me dead.  A few risks I took that my kids are aware of are:

Jumping in and out of moving trains.

Running away from home for the first time at the age 11 and staying out all night long and sleeping on the sidewalk.

Skipping school which eventually led me to drop out of school altogether.

Spending time in a juvenile detention facility (my Dad was a Sheriff and could just drop me off as an ‘unruly child’ at any time.)

Going up to Detroit at 14 years old with friends to get a fake ID in a sketchy part of town, because where else are you going to get a fake ID made?

Going to bars to drink with that fake ID and getting my belly button pierced. One one occasion the bartender near the University pulled his out and could not believe Sam was still in business making fake ID’s. He pulled his out to show me, he would not serve me a drink nor did he take away my ID, but he did tell me not to use it again in his bar or he would confiscate it.

This is just my short, G rated list of activities. The list is very long.

The point is, that I had no fear, but something changed in me when I had my first child, it was like a switch was flipped inside me. I feared for my life more than ever, because I now had a small defenseless child to protect. Something went wrong in my brain, because I started having anxiety and fear over very simple things.

Driving in unknown areas.

Driving on the highway.

Driving in any sort of bad weather.

Going to a new grocery store.

Going to a new park.

Basically, it was going to any sort of new event or location because I feared the unfamiliar. Even a library story time was terrifying to me. I have been to the library zillions of times but the experience of walking into a new situation and not knowing what to expect had become crippling to me. During my first year as a parent between post-partum depression and this new anxiety I hardly left the house besides going to the grocery store. Overtime, my depression and anxiety got worse, not better.

It wasn’t until I joined the gym that things got a bit better, there is a powerful link between physical activity and mental health. I also started eating a healthier diet full of fruits and vegetables and foods rich in Omegas 3’s. Our bodies are machines and we cannot trust that it will run optimally unless we treat it right. These changes helped, but the anxiety is still there, it may always be there.

I sought out a medical professional when my first child was just 2 years old, I was diagnosed with anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder and was put on Celexa. This medication worked by making me numb, I had no emotion anymore.

I was no longer sad.

I was no longer fearful.

I was no longer anxious.

I was no longer happy.

I was no longer human.

I was just there, in a daze not caring about anything and just going through the motions. I stayed on this drug for about a year until I could no longer live in an emotionless zombie like state.

Fast forward 19 years and I still struggle with new experiences, they are terrifying to me. Just this summer I took my kids to the outdoor pool at the YMCA which is always crowded, and I really had to work myself up to go. I have been to that location many times to workout at the indoor fitness center with an expansive view of the empty pool all winter long but going to the pool in peak season full of people brought on all sorts of anxiety.

 I know how to swim.

 I am not afraid of the water.

 I was just afraid of the new experience.

I posted about this on my Instagram story and was surprised by the DM’s I got from both men and woman who also have anxiety about new situations, even more so the older they get.

I told my husband about this confession shared on IG and he said “When we first met I was envious of your ‘NO FEAR’ personality. You were not afraid of anything!”

And I wasn’t, but the moment I had my first child, that all changed.

I know how statistics work and I feel I that I can no longer afford any risky behavior because it might just be that next risk, when my number is up!

Currently, I evaluate each situation as it comes and ask myself…

Why am I afraid?

Is there an actual risk here?

I currently manage my anxiety by taking the herbal supplement, Ashwagandha after 4-5 weeks of constant use I finally noticed a change in my moods. I also workout at the gym regularly making sure I get my heart rate up high and produce a good sweat, and I fill my body with nutrient dense super foods because like I mentioned earlier our bodies are machines we need to fuel them right. I have linked below the product I have been using with much success. I do make a few pennies if you purchase by clicking the link provided, but no pressure!

So, if you are like me and your switch was flipped when you had a child, or maybe when you turned 30 and now have more fear and anxiety, you are not alone!

Have you experienced a change in anxiety as you age or after you had children, what are some ways that you deal with this?

DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional professional. Always seek the guidance of your doctor or other qualified health professional with any questions you may have regarding your mental health or any other medical condition. Never disregard the advice of a medical professional, or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on the internet.